The Power of Softness
An alternative way when life is hard.
We venerate hardness. We praise hard-working people and admire an entrepreneur who drives a hard bargain. We take pride in finishing hard tasks, like a challenging project or a demanding hike. After a restful night, we even say we slept hard. We live under the illusion that toughness is strength. And when we face difficulty or illness, we adopt the language of battle and vow to fight as hard as we can. We forget there is another way.
When my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer the week she turned 50, I had no idea how to support her, especially from 2000 miles away. At the time, my state was one of the few that had legalized medical marijuana, so I offered to figure out how I could ship THC to Indiana (without either of us getting arrested) for chemo-related nausea. She laughed and said she didn’t think she would need it. Thankfully, she was right.
I read helpful information about holding space, but that was more for me than for her. My sister is pragmatic and action-oriented, not touchy-feely or stuck in her head like I tend to be. I reached out for advice from a wise friend who is a breast cancer survivor. Her straightforward response surprised me, she said: “Send soft things, like socks.” She explained that radiation and chemotherapy amplify the nervous system’s sensitivity — sharp edges are sharper and hard things harder. I was grateful for this clear guidance. I had no way to make things easier, but I could help them be softer. Disease-free 7 years later (❤️🙏), my sister now gives soft socks (and blankets, because apparently, you get cold, too) whenever she hears about a friend undergoing treatment.
Soft textures are emotionally soothing, and we’re more drawn to them when we are down. Sometimes just stroking the velvety head of my cat Hazel delivers the Oxytocin I need to counteract a crappy day. But softness can also be a strategy. In Japanese, the character ju, 柔, (róu in Mandarin) means gentle, soft, yielding. The martial arts jujitsu, 柔術, (the “art of softness”) and judo 柔道,¹ (the “gentle way”) include methods to deflect an opponent, which can be more effective than responding with direct force. The skills of yielding and non-resistance originate from the meditative movements of Tai Chi. Although considered “soft” techniques, they are advanced practices that require tremendous strength and balance, both physical and psychological, to neutralize and redirect the oncoming energy. Mastery lies in staying deeply grounded.
Many people are having a rough go right now. Life can indeed be hard — more so when we view these events as battles to be fought. Whether a texture or an attitude, we can always opt instead for the power and comfort of softness.
¹In Mandarin, 道 is the character for dào, “The Way” of Daoism/Taoism.
